Dear Graduates - You Knew that Already

No surprise to you, all of your plans will not come to fruition.

It is graduation season so I've read a couple articles and speeches that were aimed at high school and college graduates.  One of the themes is, "Life doesn't turn out the way you dream and plan it will, so be prepared for failure and change."  Guess what - you already knew that.

Childhood is the time of biggest struggle for change.  Learning to walk takes a lot of effort and painful failed attempts.  As does learning to ride a bike.  As does learning to get along with other people.  And talk about failed dreams - you can't fly like superman, you won't make a ton of money with a lemonade stand, you can't collect the biggest ball of chewing gum because your mom said no way.  You struggle to balance  the profoundly differing stories about Santa that are told by your parents and by kids on the playground, or ponder the existential motives of a tooth fairy.

You struggle for separation from parents, yet desire their support and nurture.  You long to make an identity for yourself, and then long to re-invent it.

Here is my message to you - grown up life is not that hard compared to negotiating the minefield of childhood and adolescence.  The school room and play ground become the work place.  You turn from child to parent.  Your friends are ... maybe as immature as ever, maybe not.  You come to this place in your life having navigated a myriad of difficult mazes.

You already know that the only constant in life is change.  Keep on keepin' on.

ALB

What Not to Say

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/12/fashion/what-to-say-to-someone-whos-sick-this-life.html

This is a great article in the NYT about what not to say, and what to say, to someone who is seriously ill.  And, I would add, to their family members.  The author went through cancer treatment.  His suggestions are spot on.  All the things I want to say to people but feel too polite to say.

I recall a time when I was in the hospital quite ill and in a lot of pain.  Five days into the hospital stay a newly consulted specialist walked into the room and said, "You look miserable."  I wanted to cry and hug her.  That was what I really wanted to hear, an acknowledgement of how I felt.  If you had asked me how I felt I would have said, "I'm hanging in there."  Which I was.  But it was miserable.  I try to remember as a physician that if I can't do anything else, I can always acknowledge a patient's suffering.  "This is such a miserable experience, I am sorry you have to go through this."

Compassion is the best medicine.

Why Good Parents Make Their Children Cry

I heard screams coming from the shower.  When I went to investigate, there stood a child with a large amount of shampoo in her hair, crying that shampoo went in her eyes and now it burned.  I told her the best thing to do, which would make her feel better faster than anything else, is to put her head under the shower and let it rinse all of the shampoo off her head and out of her eyes.  She hates getting water on her face and refused.  I raised my voice - she refused and continued to cry.  I yelled - she refused and continued to cry.  So I took her screaming, wiggling body and shoved it under the running shower until all of the shampoo was out of her hair and off of her face.  As she stood wrapped in her towel after the experience she looked at me with scorn and said, "A good parent wouldn't make her child cry!"


Good parents do things all the time that make their kids cry.  Get them immunized.  Refuse to buy them toys they don't need or can't afford.  Reprimand them for bad choices in their behavior.  A parent's job is to see the big picture and do what is best for the child, even when it causes temporary pain and sorrow in the child.

Our Heavenly Father sees the big picture much better than we do.  I wonder how many times I have stood before him crying out for help and the answer I got was painful and made me cry.  How many times have I figuratively screamed in the shower and refused his gentle advice to put my head in the shower - only to have myself bodily pushed under the falling water.

At those times, when we are sputtering in the midst of hard times and sorrows, and we are tempted to yell at God, "A good parent wouldn't make his children cry!", we need to remember that he sees the big picture.  Bad things things happen because it gives us the chance to learn.  Whether we cry and become bitter, or consider the good that could come of each bad experience is up to us.

God lets bad things happen to us because he loves us.

ALB