When I was growing up a good Mormon girl I had a view of what my life would be. We were taught all about what our lives should be through Primary and Young Women. I got my Gospel in Action award and my Young Womanhood Recognition award, graduated from seminary and got married in the temple. A few weeks after we were married my husband's church attendance became spotty, and within a few months he was only attending Sacrament Meeting. Within a year or so he was completely inactive.
I was heart broken, though I mostly kept that to myself. What do you say to people - or really, what can they say to you? I had a copy of Carlfred Broderick's book One Heart, One Flesh that the Bishop in our single's ward gave us when we got engaged, and that was very helpful. I can't even remember why it was helpful because I've lost the book, I just recall that it gave me the spiritual strength to stay married. (On the other hand I gave a copy to a young neighbor and later she thanked me because it gave her the courage to get a divorce - go figure.)
I didn't go to the temple for a couple years because in my mind that is something you do with your spouse and it was too upsetting to go alone. Finally I did start going, and came to enjoy the peace and inspiration in the temple. It was in the temple, as I prayed once more for the Lord to help me, that I got the answer that will probably last me for the rest of my life. It was simply this - "Love and patience." (It will last me for the rest of my life because it is not as easy to accomplish as it sounds.)
It's not earth shattering, is it? It doesn't take your breath away or explode in your mind or reveal an untrodden path. At this point in my life it feels like the most well worn path I can take. And yet there is something comforting about going down the well trod road.
I laugh to myself when I hear people say that there is no sadness and there are no tears in heaven. I am sure our heavenly parents weep on a regular basis for the poor choices we make. To raise a child for half of eternity and then watch that child separate itself from you - how could you not be sad? To see that child use the gift you all fought to preserve - the gift of agency - to make choices that will forever separate that child from your presence? How could there not be tears? I feel my sadness to seem minor in comparison to this.
Love and patience. It didn't take me long to see that Heavenly Father was only telling me to follow his example. It is how He deals with the poor choices we make. As I tell my Primary children, your Heavenly Father loves you, not matter what, there is not a thing you can do to make him stop loving you for ever and always. And he has eternal patience. I suppose it helps to "know the end from the beginning." Still, he patiently waits for us to turn to him and is never absent when we reach out. Love and patience.
When someone I love makes a choice that breaks my heart, what choice do I have but to love them and patiently be there for them if and when they chose another way? I have been down the sad road and shed a lot of tears - didn't get me anywhere but sad. I have been down the angry road and yelled about my sorrows - didn't get me anywhere but angry. I never chose the bitter road, but that is just me. The love and patience road did get me somewhere -- peace.
This journey prepared me for the day when my brothers left the church for various reasons. And when a friend was excommunicated. It feels weird to say that I'm not sorrowful about these things, but I'm not. I am filled with hope and peace that with time things will change. I love them and care about them. I am willing to patiently wait for them to use their agency to make better choices. My open arms aren't waiting for them to turn around, though. I am embracing them all along the way so they don't forget that the Lord loves them and there is peace in his path. Love and patience.
Cast your burdens of anger and sorrow on the Lord, and take up his yoke of loving other people with him. The burden is lighter. And not every day, but some days, it is like having wings to fly.
ALB
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