My Beautiful State of Denial

Brian has a sore in his mouth.

For anyone else I would say, "Big deal, put some numbing medicine on it, it will go away."
Life after oral cancer, however, is a waiting game.  Will it come back?  If so, where?  Will we recognize it if it comes?  A simple mouth sore is a pit in my stomach.

I have been living in a beautiful world of denial since Brian ended radiation treatments.  The hard part is over, the long road of recovery ahead.  Long, slow, but upward ... positive in direction.  My brain wouldn't even let me consider the possibility of relapse.  It is a peaceful place, this world of denial.  Not easy and not joyful, yet not filled with anxiety.
All it takes to crack the walls of my peaceful world is a little mouth sore.  At his surgical margin.

He already has an appointment scheduled with the surgeon for a follow-up appointment in 4 days.  Will I be able to see in the surgeon's face how worried he is?  Will he try to reassure us, yet walk out of the room with a pit in his stomach and feeling that this will not end well?  Will he take one look and say, "That is completely normal for this stage of healing"?  Whatever his response, he will be blunt.  And my world of denial will have to create new boundaries.

ALB
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5/31/11 Update - saw the surgeon today.  He was cautious about the lesion.  Come back in 2 weeks, if it isn't gone by then he will biopsy it.  Seems fair enough.  Back to blissful denial.

6/14/11  Update - saw the surgeon again.  The spot looks better.  No biopsy, follow-up with the other surgeon at our regularly scheduled appointment in 4 weeks.  Back to blissful denial.

I Am a Child of God

Watch the whole thing, don't get overwhelmed if the beginning seems too sweet.  It gets even cuter when the big children appear!

And so are YOU!

ALB

Cooks Anonymous

Hi, my name is Angela and I just figured out how to cook rice at age 40.


Yes, the simple "one cup rice, two cups water, simmer covered for 20 minutes, voila perfectly fluffy rice."  I just gained confidence in doing this.  I have no idea why I have feared cooking rice so long.  Fear of burning or crunchiness maybe.
I could never remember the ratios (I realize how stupid that sounds).  It's like I had rice dyslexia.  I own a rice cooker, but that always produces an overcooked layer on the bottom.  Deliciously crunchy but not what I want on a regular basis.
This is a dumb post ... but I am proud of the fact that I managed to cook a perfect pot of rice without looking up instructions.  I will now slink off in embarrassment.

ALB

Why I Will Not Phone in Antibiotics

Dear Parent on the other end of the phone,


I am so sorry that your child is not feeling well and you are leaving on vacation tomorrow/out of town/can't afford another copayment/sick of coming in to the office.  I realize that having a miserable/feverish child makes your life hard and makes you feel stressed.  I know that you are sure the ear pain/sore throat/pain with peeing must be an ear infection/case of strep/urinary tract infection.  And I know you are very unhappy that I will not phone in a prescription for antibiotics for you.

Unfortunately not ever fever and ear pain is an ear infection - many of these kids have normal looking and functioning ear drums when I examine them in the office.  Most of the sore throats we see do not test positive for strep.  Most of the pain with peeing in young children is not a urinary tract infection.

I will not prescribe an antibiotic "just in case".  This makes your child more likely to have bacteria that are resistant to the antibiotics that we commonly use to treat infections.  And what if your child has a reaction to the medication?  Aside from a bad allergy, getting diarrhea or a yeast infection or a rash is still not a pleasant thing from a medication your child didn't need in the first place.

There is also the possibility that your child really has a bacterial infection and needs an antibiotic - it just isn't the infection you think.  What if that ear pain is a swimmers ear rather than a middle ear infection?  What if the ear pain is caused by a strep throat infection?  What if that pain with urination in your teen is a sexually transmitted infection, not a urinary tract infection?  I can only tell by talking to and examining the child.

I am sorry that your employer has contracted for a high co-payment insurance plan, or your insurance company doesn't cover out-of-area care.  I am happy to speak to you and problem solve, to suggest over the counter medications and other ways to make your child feel better.  I will even advocate for you with your insurance company the best I can.  But I will not phone in antibiotics.

I am used to the anger, the pleading, the threats to file a complaint.  I will try hard to be patient when I talk to you on the phone.  But I will not compromise my standards of giving your child the highest quality medical care I can provide.   If that means I need to examine your child to determine the best course of treatment then I will let you know that.  And I won't back down.

Sincerely,
Dr. Beeler


ALB

It takes time...

You know how I wrote that post about how the body heals itself?  And how miserable the radiation treatment's were?  Well, the treatments are all done for 2 months and the recovery is happening.  S-l-o-w-l-y.  He is talking well (I think).  Able to drink some by mouth and swallow medications rather than having to use the PEG tube for everything.  Walking without pain or walker.

As a physician I knew that progressive illnesses take a decline-plateau-decline-plateau pattern as they worsen.  I hadn't considered that healing takes the same pattern but in reverse: improve-plateau-improve-plateau.  But that is what is happening.  The improvement is great.  The plateau is freaky because it makes you wonder, "Is this it?  Is this as good as it gets??"

Statistics I have read say that only half of people feel back to normal 6 months after they end radiation and chemo.  This is reassuring since Brian is only 2 months out from treatment.  We will continue to watch and see how long the healing takes.

ALB

Motherhood

It wasn't until having children of my own that I realized I had been a Mom all along.


My oldest child is now eleven.  Reflecting on all the things I do for her, and my twins, that are considered "motherly duties", I realize these are things I have been doing for other people since I have been able.


A mother listens to others, even when what they say is ridiculous.  She corrects when appropriate.
A mother sacrifices her own desires to meet the needs, physical or emotional, of others.
A mother loves unconditionally.  She may be saddened by the actions of others, but she loves all the same.
A mother teaches.  She shares her knowledge, her enthusiasm and her determination to learn.
A mother cries for the pain of others.  And then she gets up and keeps going.


As women we bear the title of mother before we are even born.  Sometimes we refer to it as being a sister, a friend, a companion, a mentor, a servant.  All of this really just means being a mother.


To all the woman in my life who have been mothers to me - my physical mother, my sister, my friends, my teachers - thank you for the mothering you have given me.
To all the people in my life who are children to me - my biological children, my Primary children, my students, my friends, my family - thank you for your patience as I learn how to be a mother.


I do believe that the most meaningful name I can be called is Mother.


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I had been thinking about how much my motherhood means to me for a long time and really wanted to share that.  I am dissatisfied with how stiff and preachy this came out.  Because that is not how my motherhood feels!  It is warm and squishy (hmmmm, like me) and joyful.  So here are the mother moments I enjoy outside the confines of my own family:


-Primary children running up to hug me or tell me something, but also just grabbing a primary kid to give them a hug and a kiss.
-That I can now name all 60 of my Primary kids by sight!
-The fabulous, random things that kids tell me in the office.
-Giving advice to parents - makes me feel like a wise Abuela!
-Talking to my friends about what they have accomplished.
-Having my students tell me of their questions and concerns.
-Bearing testimony with my sister on the phone.
-Loving people without having to judge them or "fix" them.  What a relief!
-Cleaning up in the kitchen after activities, laughing and chatting with others.  (Half a gigantic cake with Oprah on it?  Whaaaaaahhhh?!!!)  Or even cleaning up without other people sometimes.
-Smiling at people randomly, just to let them know I see them.


Life is good.  To be a nurturer is good.


And when I say "confines of my own family" I of course mean that in the nicest way possible...


ALB