My Beautiful State of Denial

Brian has a sore in his mouth.

For anyone else I would say, "Big deal, put some numbing medicine on it, it will go away."
Life after oral cancer, however, is a waiting game.  Will it come back?  If so, where?  Will we recognize it if it comes?  A simple mouth sore is a pit in my stomach.

I have been living in a beautiful world of denial since Brian ended radiation treatments.  The hard part is over, the long road of recovery ahead.  Long, slow, but upward ... positive in direction.  My brain wouldn't even let me consider the possibility of relapse.  It is a peaceful place, this world of denial.  Not easy and not joyful, yet not filled with anxiety.
All it takes to crack the walls of my peaceful world is a little mouth sore.  At his surgical margin.

He already has an appointment scheduled with the surgeon for a follow-up appointment in 4 days.  Will I be able to see in the surgeon's face how worried he is?  Will he try to reassure us, yet walk out of the room with a pit in his stomach and feeling that this will not end well?  Will he take one look and say, "That is completely normal for this stage of healing"?  Whatever his response, he will be blunt.  And my world of denial will have to create new boundaries.

ALB
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5/31/11 Update - saw the surgeon today.  He was cautious about the lesion.  Come back in 2 weeks, if it isn't gone by then he will biopsy it.  Seems fair enough.  Back to blissful denial.

6/14/11  Update - saw the surgeon again.  The spot looks better.  No biopsy, follow-up with the other surgeon at our regularly scheduled appointment in 4 weeks.  Back to blissful denial.